What I Want

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I’m the type to put the needs of others first, sometimes to the point of neglecting myself. I am constantly thinking about how I can help someone with a problem, or at least be supportive if there’s nothing I can do about it. When there’s absolutely nothing that I can do, I feel guilty, and sometimes I’m made to feel that way, too.

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. I’ll do absolutely anything for someone I care about. If you matter to me and you need me, I’m there with a solution. A lot of times I’m there even before I’m asked to show up. I don’t ask for anything in return, except for a simple “thank you”, and even that I don’t make too big a deal out of. I’ll do the right thing a thousand times over for someone, neglecting myself and what I need, but as soon as I say or do something they don’t like, all that good goes out the window.

My entire life, I’ve had people grow to expect me to cater to their every need and desire, so that when I tell them “no” and cater to my own, they get angry. I’m told that my actions are selfish or insensitive. One time I put myself first, and I get crucified for it.

Lately I’ve been feeling this way a lot. I’ve put myself on the line for people a lot in recent months with very little appreciation to show for it. It’s exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and frankly I’m sick of it. So today, I’m letting everyone know what I want. I’m posting this list here, and I’m not going to apologize for any of it. Some of the items listed here are superficial and silly, while others are big and would make a huge difference in my life if they happened.

So here you are…

1. First and foremost, I want to say THANK YOU!

This is a big one for me. As I said above, I’ve felt a lack of appreciation from a lot of people lately, and this bothers me, since really it’s the only thing that I ask in return. This is not, however, universal. There have been a small group of you out there who have shown your appreciation time and time again, and for that I want to give a big THANK YOU!You know who you are, and you know what you’ve done to earn this recogniton here. Your actions range from staying up late while I vent, even though you had your own problems, to a simple text message saying “Hey, you’re kinda awesome”. These things mean the world to me, and I just thought you should know 🙂

2. I want to lose weight without making sacrifices.

Alright, before you judge me, hear me out. I’m well aware that losing weight takes time and effort, and that I’ll have to cut some things-delicious things-out of my life, at least temporarily to get there. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m saying here is that I don’t want to feel like I’m making sacrifices. I want to be the kind of person who wakes up every single day and WANTS to exercise. The kind of person who goes to the grocery store and WANTS to buy only healthy food; who doesn’t even think about buying junk food, rather than resisting it. I don’t know how some people do it, but I want to be like that.

3. I want you here to hold me every night (or at least a few nights a week)

To the individual who will inevitably read this and think that it’s my way of saying I’m upset that you don’t come around more often: please put that thought out of your mind! I’m incredibly grateful to have you in my life, and I wouldn’t trade you for the world. The past two months have been an absolute blast. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve felt genuine happiness for the first time in a very long time. You’ve given more of your time to me than I ever could have hoped for, and I’ve enjoyed every second of it. The one and only thing I would change is the distance between us. Living a state apart, mixed with some other factors, has made it a little bit difficult for us to spend time together as of late, and I miss you. I also know that you’re in pain right now, and all I want to do is hold you and make it all go away. I know I’ll see you soon, though, and I can’t wait ❤

4. I want to be able to function without coffee

The amount of caffeine required to get me through a day is ridiculous. I’m such an addict it’s not even funny. I got myself down to one cup a day for a little while, but lately I’ve been needing a second cup to get through the afternoon. It’s been a particularly crazy day today, so I’m sipping cup number three as we speak. I want to be able to drink a cup of coffee because I want it, not because I need it.

5. I want an iPhone 4S

This one is incredibly superficial and selfish, but I’m posting it here anyway. I have an iPhone 4, and it’s wonderful. I love it, it’s amazing. BUT Siri is so cool, and her absence is felt on my phone.

6. I’d also like a new case for my phone

My Otter Box is great, but it’s kind of falling apart, and I really just want a different cover period. Everyone in the office has the same cover, and I want one that stands out.

This one, I want this one!

7. Now for something a bit less self-centered…I want my dad to feel better.

A lot of you know that my dad has been sick on and off my entire life. The latest is an infection on his legs that has caused him a lot of pain, which has also caused him to lose his appetite. This lost appetite, paired with a pre-existing condition that suppresses his taste buds, has caused him to lose a fair amount of weight. He has been steadily getting better, but I want him to be able to live his life without pain and without sickness.

8. I want a dog.

My parents have a 6-month-old Shar-Pei named Sasha. We’ve puppy-sat her a couple of times now. We have her all this week, and I get the feeling it’s going to be hard to let her go on Monday. I love having a dog around, and I’d love to have someone for Sasha to play with when she comes to visit. I think a little Corgi would suit us just fine 🙂

How could you NOT want to take this little guy home?

9. I want the ability to read minds.

People are so hard to read sometimes! It’s impossible to know what they’re thinking, and why they’re acting a certain way. Did I do something wrong, or is something else going on that you just don’t want to talk about? If it’s me, you have to tell me, because I’M NOT A MIND READER! If I were, though, life would be a lot easier to handle. Now, I realize that this could potentially cause a lot of pain. People keep things to themselves a lot so that they don’t hurt anyone, and I suppose that’s for the best, but in the long run, I think knowing would be better.

10. I want children.

Not right this minute, and probably not within the next couple of years. But I want them. As many of you know, there was a time not too long ago when marriage and children were not far off for me. That is now no longer the case, but the desire for motherhood is still there, and it makes me a little bit sad. I realize that I’ll probably be out of my 20s by the time I get to have kids, which I realize sounds like a silly thing to be sad about. I should want to enjoy my youth, and I do, really. But the reality of it is, I think I could enjoy it just as much with kids. Maybe I’m being naive, but I believe the things that I want to do are perfectly doable with a child in my lap. On occasions that I can’t take them with me, I have family close by who would watch them. Like I said, I’m not ready right this minute, but I’d like to be a mother before I turn 30.

😛

11. I want insurance that all doctors participate in.

No, not universal healthcare. Not healthcare that’s paid for out of taxpayer dollars. I want insurance that requires me to pay a copay and nothing else, no matter where I am. I’ll explain my frustration. I went to India last year and came back with an infection in my eyes that, gone untreated, would have caused blindness. I went to an eye doctor in New York, where I was living at the time. The copay was $45 per visit, and I went three times. That’s $135 right off the bat. Since I’m still on my parents’ insurance, I have health insurance out of Connecticut. As a result, the doctor in New York didn’t participate in my insurance, and I was forced to pay an additional $200 in deductibles. Now, I get why the NY doctor doesn’t participate in Connecticare. There are fees they have to pay to participate, and one or two potential patients are not worth that kind of money to them. I’m not blaming them for this at all. What I want is a world where those fees don’t exist, so that I don’t get penalized because I’m from another state.

12. Last but not least, I want you to be happy.

Yes, you, the person reading this right now! As I said before, I will do absolutely anything for the people I care about, and I’ll do the same for the people they care about, too. Seeing someone unhappy pains me on a level I can’t describe. I take on their pain as my own, and all I want to do is make it go away. You’ll never have to ask; I’ll already be there with something to make you feel better before you even think to. I will do all that I possibly can and still try to do more to see you smile. The world is a better place with you in it, and it’s a much better place when you’re happy. So go ahead and smile; I’ll be here to help you put it there 🙂

 

 

So there you have it folks. My semi-superficial, unapologetic list of things that I want.